If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
