Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
