you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
