Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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