Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
