you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
