Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
