In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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