everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
