there's paper in my vomit.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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