Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
