if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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