No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize