Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
