I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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