Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
