Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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