She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize