In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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