i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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