Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
