everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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