If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
