hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
