Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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