Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
