the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
