When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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