Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
