you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
