At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just gargled with NyQuil
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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