I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
