Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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