i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
