Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
