i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
