I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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