90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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