It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
