Got a toothbrush?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize