the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
