weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
