this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
