i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
