remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize