also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
