Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
