its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
