i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
