actually, I'm a sock model
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
