you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize