I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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