i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
