fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
