this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
