I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
