man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
