I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
