I showed him my bush... on skype.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize