I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
