i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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