Hey man sorry I got all grabby
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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