Sponge bath it is.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
