Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
