I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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